Achmed's
We join our hero's John Paul and Jesus at the local Italian restaurant - Achmed's. They're laughing, having fun, eating their Pizza and Pasta. Delicious. John Paul stops himself from picking up another pizza slice, pauses then asks "Jesus?" Jesus, with his mouth stuffed full of pasta replies "Aye. What's up?" John Paul looks outside the window and points to a homeless bum accross the streets, scrounging for money. "That. Scum." Jesus nods in agreement "Aye steamboat Willys a wee dick. Stole my wine. I'm gonna kick his head in after I eat this pasta." Then proceeds to stuff his face full with more pasta. John Paul looks puzzled "Naw. I don't mean the individual. I mean the homeless junkies as a whole. Surely it's a sin, surely? But i can't find any bible verses to back up that claim. Is that why you're here? Do you have a verse?" Jesus nods again "Aye. It's a wee sin. Living out in the cold and the rain, hungry, never knowing if you'd make it through the night. Nae dignity. Folk spitting on you, stealing your money, pointing and laughing" a single tear drips down Jesuses face "And worse of all... wine prices have doubled, so now I need to skip dinner if i want some. And boy do I want ma wine." John Paul, the quick witted comic that he is quickly hits back with "Why don't you just buy water and turn it into wine? haha!" Jesus grabs the rest of John Pauls pizza and flings it in his face? "How the f**k have i meant to do that you dips**t?"
Before John Paul has time to respond a muslim man (Maybe the legendary Achmed himself, the famous Italian chef who owns this restaurant. Even as the narrator i can't be sure, they all look the same to me.) walks into the restaurant. Jesus clocks him, spits his pasta all over fellow customers, screams "aaaaggghhhh....!!!" then grabs a knife and chases after him. Luckily for Achmed (or whoever he may be) a staff member swung a punch and swiftly knocked Jesus out.
After about 20 minutes he started to come to again. He woke up in John Pauls car. "Whit happened there?" Jesus asks "You tell me. You snapped and wanted to kill Mandi, one of the waters (I guess i was wrong. These mistakes can happen to anyone. I apologies for making assumptions)" John Paul replies. Jesus then get's flashbacks of when he went to the mosque. "I'm sorry no alcohol is allowed in the building" "No alcohol" "no alcohol" Jesus screams "aaagghhh!!!" John Paul slams on the breaks. Jesus head moves forward at lightning speed. Bam! Slams off the glove box and knocks our saviour out once more.
Jesus wakes up again in John Paul's office. John's writing a sermon with one of those £1,000 fountain pens you get at the fancy stores (oh la la). John heres Jesus groan "Are you alright my lord? What happened?" Jesus sits himself up " It's those people. They're evil. We need to stop them" John Paul nods in agreement "Exactly. I've been saying it for months now. Those homeless bums have to go." Jesus shakes his head "Naw. No them. The Muslamiks. Trust me. They're evil"
